Dear Ocarina of Time,
My beloved, I keep looking at you every day.
After all of the years we've known each other, damn baby, you're still hot.
Oh man, I've tried to love you. Don't you understand that? I've tried to love you for years. But ever since your little friend the Deku Tree (read: more appropriately known as the Duke Tree) belittled me so, I've found it hard to come back.
Yes ma'am, I am telling you that you are way too hard for me. Why can everyone else beat you but me? I've always wanted to see everything you offer, you know. Your vast, large world. Yes, that amazing kingdom of Hyrule that everyone always tells me about! I nod my head and smile when people tell me about it, but I don't know how awesome you truly are!
Why can't I enjoy you? After all, you are the highest rated game of all time. Shouldn't I love you and all of your greatness? Should I not want to play you all the time, day and night?
Why do I get such a quick enjoyment out of your sisters, like Link's Awakening? At least she's good for some quick fun. Or your little cousin, Wind Waker. You know, that's how I got so into you again; Wind Waker made me happy and showed me some love, and she didn't even mind that I cheated the entire time! Heck, even Twilight Princess is somewhat nice to me even after I did her entire family and gave up on them. And hey, at least the Original Zelda gives me a lot of action.
But I don't just want action, baby! I want you! I want your action! You and your action and moves are amazing! I need to play with YOU again!
But you're just too hard Ocarina of Time. You intimidate me! How can I ever live up to your expectations? Because I can't complete you, I feel like I'm a failure. It's so bad that I've been hiding, my love. You scared me so, and I thought that it would be fitting to play around with your family. I am so sorry.
Your dungeons are too clever, your world too large, your villains too maniacal, and your puzzles too tough for my weak mind. Why can't you just make things a little easier so I shan't be tempted to play with your family?
Last I visited you, I conquered the Deku Tree with assistance. We had a little fun together! And then I defeated King Dodongo! But then you left me hanging, baby! I got desperate; I found some help! And then what? Nothing! You left me cold again in Zora's Domain!
I just don't know what to do! We need to work together, don't we? How can I fix this if you don't cooperate?
Is there anything that I can do to fix this?
I eagerly await your reply. I need you in my life, my dear.
With more love than Ganondorf has hatred,
P.S. I really want to rub this Lon Lon Milk all over you again. Don't you want the same?